I had to break this chapter into two parts so this is part 1.5
"Hey Sammy " he tried to sound normal , but his voice sounded dull even to his own ears .
But looks like Sam wanted to ignore that .
" It's Sam , jerk " Sam had a big grin on his face .
Dean couldn't help but smile .
" oh come on , both of us know you love that name , bitch " his voice was actually better .
He moved the only chair in the room which was by sam's bed even closer to Sam .
He was making an effort not to study every inch of his brother's body and make sure that everything was fine , because everything wasn't fine .
So he tried to ignore his big brother instincts for the first time in his life and just focused on Sam's face .
"How are you feeling Sam ? " God this was probably the dumbest question he has ever asked .
" honestly I feel great , warm , cozy and light , man I think this more comfortable than your memory foam mattress thing " Sam sighed comfortably to prove his point .
"Dude , nothing is more comfortable than my mattress "
Okay jokes over .. What now , what was he supposed to say . He was supposed to comfort his dying little brother not the other way around . Strange thing is that he found staying beside his brothers death bed comforting . Not that he isn't sad , God his is sad that he feels his chest constricting , but he just feels surprisingly numb with the fact that he is here watching his brother's last moments instead of trying his darnest to save him . Maybe that's it ! Maybe staying beside Sam and not letting him be alone makes him calm , seeing that his brother isn't in agonizing pain that he was comfortable makes it feel easier . Knowing that Sam wasn't alone in this . Maybe Sam's peacefulness was contagious.
But that filled Dean's heart with fear . This numbness was just temporary. Sam's presence is Dean's peace , but Sam is only gonna last few hours if not minutes.
The awkward silence continued as the minutes went by - as Sam's life went by - and Dean's "peacefulness" was wearing thin .
"Dean" Sam's voice was tired this time .
" hmm ?" Dean just hummed
" you don't have to stay , it's okay " Sam said miserably.
Like hell it's okay Sam ! I am not going anywhere! . That was what Dean wanted to yell but he didn't , he didn't yell he didn't even open his mouth to say anything.
That was when he realised that maybe he wasn't " peaceful " with Sam dying , maybe he is just so emotionally drained to feel anything but this weird calmness and helplessness... numbness ?
"Dean , the nurse wouldn't tell me anything, but I am not an idiot , I know what's going to happen ... we both know .. " "I am not leaving you Sam .." "Dean please .. you don't have to do this to yourself , not for me , I know from experience how painful it is to watch your brother die , please spare me the guilt of seeing that pain on your face " " I need to do this Sammy , for me , I need to stay with you , for both of us , please little brother , I know the pain , believe me I do , but you know what is worse ?? Knowing that there is nothing I can do to stop this , but the worst thing is leaving you go alone , and that isn't gonna happen Sam , It's will be painful , yeah but me staying here with you and going all girly is what I want , I want to be with my pain in the ass stubborn as hell little brother as long as I can .. " he chokes on the last words .. his eyes burn and he doesn't even bother to wipe his tears . Sam looks at him with wide eyes , his own eyes collecting tears.
They took a few minutes to collect themselves..
" alright do as you wish , just don't you dare pop up in my afterlife teasing me about how stupid I looked dying in a hospital gown " Sam said in a very annoyed-Sam voice .
"Dude , you were all chicky flicky a moment ago ! "
" I am on the happy drugs " sam shrugged..
" but you know that you look stupid anyway , hospital gown or not "
And here it is , Sam Winchester's classic bitchface . Albeit Sam looked miserable, but a bitchface was a bitchface and it warmed Dean's heart , alittle.
Filled : Moments 1.5/2
"Hey Sammy " he tried to sound normal , but his voice sounded dull even to his own ears .
But looks like Sam wanted to ignore that .
" It's Sam , jerk " Sam had a big grin on his face .
Dean couldn't help but smile .
" oh come on , both of us know you love that name , bitch " his voice was actually better .
He moved the only chair in the room which was by sam's bed even closer to Sam .
He was making an effort not to study every inch of his brother's body and make sure that everything was fine , because everything wasn't fine .
So he tried to ignore his big brother instincts for the first time in his life and just focused on Sam's face .
"How are you feeling Sam ? " God this was probably the dumbest question he has ever asked .
" honestly I feel great , warm , cozy and light , man I think this more comfortable than your memory foam mattress thing " Sam sighed comfortably to prove his point .
"Dude , nothing is more comfortable than my mattress "
Okay jokes over ..
What now , what was he supposed to say .
He was supposed to comfort his dying little brother not the other way around .
Strange thing is that he found staying beside his brothers death bed comforting .
Not that he isn't sad , God his is sad that he feels his chest constricting , but he just feels surprisingly numb with the fact that he is here watching his brother's last moments instead of trying his darnest to save him .
Maybe that's it ! Maybe staying beside Sam and not letting him be alone makes him calm , seeing that his brother isn't in agonizing pain that he was comfortable makes it feel easier . Knowing that Sam wasn't alone in this . Maybe Sam's peacefulness was contagious.
But that filled Dean's heart with fear .
This numbness was just temporary. Sam's presence is Dean's peace , but Sam is only gonna last few hours if not minutes.
The awkward silence continued as the minutes went by - as Sam's life went by - and Dean's "peacefulness" was wearing thin .
"Dean" Sam's voice was tired this time .
" hmm ?" Dean just hummed
" you don't have to stay , it's okay " Sam said miserably.
Like hell it's okay Sam ! I am not going anywhere! . That was what Dean wanted to yell but he didn't , he didn't yell he didn't even open his mouth to say anything.
That was when he realised that maybe he wasn't " peaceful " with Sam dying , maybe he is just so emotionally drained to feel anything but this weird calmness and helplessness... numbness ?
"Dean , the nurse wouldn't tell me anything, but I am not an idiot , I know what's going to happen ... we both know .. "
"I am not leaving you Sam .."
"Dean please .. you don't have to do this to yourself , not for me , I know from experience how painful it is to watch your brother die , please spare me the guilt of seeing that pain on your face "
" I need to do this Sammy , for me , I need to stay with you , for both of us , please little brother , I know the pain , believe me I do , but you know what is worse ?? Knowing that there is nothing I can do to stop this , but the worst thing is leaving you go alone , and that isn't gonna happen Sam , It's will be painful , yeah but me staying here with you and going all girly is what I want , I want to be with my pain in the ass stubborn as hell little brother as long as I can .. " he chokes on the last words .. his eyes burn and he doesn't even bother to wipe his tears .
Sam looks at him with wide eyes , his own eyes collecting tears.
They took a few minutes to collect themselves..
" alright do as you wish , just don't you dare pop up in my afterlife teasing me about how stupid I looked dying in a hospital gown " Sam said in a very annoyed-Sam voice .
"Dude , you were all chicky flicky a moment ago ! "
" I am on the happy drugs " sam shrugged..
" but you know that you look stupid anyway , hospital gown or not "
And here it is , Sam Winchester's classic bitchface . Albeit Sam looked miserable, but a bitchface was a bitchface and it warmed Dean's heart , alittle.