You don't know what you've got till its gone...

[mutedbyfear.livejournal.com]

Title: You don't know what you've got till its gone..
Rating: NC15 - Swearing, non explicit sexual situations
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Word count: 2400+
Summary: For the oh_Sam fic Challenge, for this prompt by  lexicale: I read a lot of Wincest fic in which they have an 'only at night' relationship or don't talk about things, because that will somehow make it not incest.
I often feel that Sam is presented as less hurt by this, or more assertive about talking about it, than he would necessarily be. 
I'd really like to see a Dean/Sam fic in which Dean doesn't talk about what they do, continues to flirt with/hook up with chicks, because in his head, this is "better" than acknowledging what he and Sam are. That somehow, by avoiding it, he's doing "the right thing." Rather than have Sam confront him about it(as Sam is of the belief that Dean doesn't feel the same way about it that he does), I'd like it to become clear to Dean how much he's actually damaging Sam with this. He thinks he's not-in-a-relationship with Sam, but the truth is that he is, and treating Sam like crap.
I'm not necessarily thinking that Dean is evil or mean -- he's just kind of being an emotional dumbass about it, as he is wont to do.
A happy ending was also requested
Spoilers: No specific spoiler
Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, etc etc

Its unbeta'd so please point out any mistakes....

Sam sat in the booth of the bar nursing the last few mouthfuls of beer in his bottle. Dean had gone up to the bar almost 20 minutes ago but as per usual he’d gotten waylaid by the pretty brunette sat on a bar stool. Actually it would be more accurate to say that, as per usual, he’d been waylaid by a pretty brunette, or a blonde or a redhead and really they didn’t even have to be that pretty; because when it came to getting laid then Dean wasn’t too fussy. And that hurt Sam more than anyone could possibly imagine; even after two years of the somewhat troubled relationship they had embarked upon Dean still felt the need for a string of one night stands.

Sam knew that Dean saw their relationship as strictly sex, and maybe that’s how it had started out for both of them – satisfying a carnal need – but for Sam it had quickly developed into a deep seated love; the brotherly love and the lust melding into something that scared him with its intensity. He could’ve understood Deans meaningless encounters night after night if he wasn’t there but he was there; there waiting for Dean, waiting for any scrap of affection that Dean deigned to throw his way. It was pathetic, he knew that, but so long as Dean was giving him something, anything, then he couldn’t walk away from him, however much he hurt him. He wished he could be good enough for Dean but he knew that he never would be and that he would always be relegated to being the dirty secret that didn’t see light of day outside of the bedroom or motel room door.

Sam looked up and caught Deans eye, holding up his bottle to indicate that it was pretty much empty, but Dean just smirked at him and raised his hand up to the girls cheek, using his thumb to brush some stray hair back behind her ear. Sam felt his stomach churn at the intimacy of that gesture but he knew that Dean was just punishing him for his little outburst the other day. He usually kept quiet while Dean flirted in front of him but last week he’d cracked when Dean had started flirting with the waiter in the diner of some two-horse town that they were passing through and then got up and followed the guy out back. Now the girls he could just about cope with but seeing Dean walk back to the table still doing up his jeans and with a broad grin on his face after fucking, or at the very least getting a blow job from, some nameless guy, well that had been the final straw. That night in the motel room he’d laid into Dean, telling him that what he was doing was unhealthy, unbecoming of him and just plain wrong, but what he hadn’t told him was that he loved him and that seeing him with other people, before he returned to their bed, was killing him. And it was; slowly but surely it was destroying him from the inside but just like any other kind of addiction he was powerless to give Dean up.

Sam sighed and got up from the booth, making his way to the door of the bar. Dean didn’t even look up at him as he walked past, so engrossed was he in this evenings conquest, so he didn’t bother to announce his departure and instead headed back to the  cheap motel they were staying in tonight. Once there he poured himself a drink of Deans whisky, something that was becoming quite a habit recently, and settled himself down on the bed to wait for Dean to return smelling of sex and cheap perfume.

**********************************************************************

God he hoped that Sam got the message soon and headed back to the motel; he wasn't even that attracted to the girl he was currently coming on to at the bar but he also wasn't in the mood for Sams morose mood and just wanted him to get out of his face for a while. He loved Sam, he really did, in a big brother kind of way, with a side order of uncontrollable lust, but the last few days it had been painful to be in his company. Something had crawled up his ass and for the life of him Dean couldn't think what was bugging him so much.

Last week Sam had been absolutely fine until that whole freak out that he’d had over the waiter that had blown him in that cheap ass diners restroom. Dean didn’t remember ever seeing Sam so pissed at him and the look on his face, almost like he was in pain, had haunted his dreams ever since. He could have done without the lecture too - the one where Sam had gone at him about his lifestyle choices – and he had the distinct impression that Sam had been trying to say something more to him but he’d cut him off by kissing him and slamming him down hard on the bed. Dean smiled at the memory of that night, it’d been hard, fast and furious and he came harder than he had in far too long despite his earlier encounter with the waiter. He frowned then though as he also remembered that afterwards he could have sworn he heard Sam crying in the bathroom. Really Sam was acting like a girl at the moment; he needed to get his shit together and get back to being his Sammy.

The girl got off the stool and grabbed his hand, dragging him behind her and out towards the back of the bar. Dean put Sam out of his mind and gave the girl his full attention, grinning as he traipsed after her.

*************************************************************************************

Sam lay on the bed and waited for Dean, both craving and dreading his return; his need for Dean at that moment was almost overwhelming but there was a part of his brain that was telling him that he needed to keep Dean at arm’s length, that he needed to deny Dean something which he took for granted. Not once since they’d started all of this had he denied Dean but in his heart he knew that this was what he had to do. He had to get some space from the fucked up relationship he had with his brother, space to think, space to make decisions – decisions which could change their whole future. This was an unhealthy relationship that much was obvious just how was he supposed to give it up? Where in fucks name would he find that much strength?

Sam tensed up as he heard Deans key in the lock and took a deep breath to prepare himself for what was to come – it was now or never. Sam could see from the dishevelled state of Dean that he had been having some fun with the girl from the bar but, from the lustful look in his eyes it clearly hadn’t been enough for him. Dean strode over to him, grabbing the back of his head with one hand and pulling him forward to kiss him hard. As Sam got lost in the sensation he could feel himself getting hard and feel Deans erection rubbing up against him, causing him to groan out loud. As Dean dropped his free hand to unzip his jeans Sam finally saw red and pulled away:-

“No Dean, stop now. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t be the one you come back to when where you’ve been wasn’t enough..”

“What the fuck is wrong with you Sammy, quit whining and get your pretty ass on the bed”

“Dean, I mean it, I can’t do this…. I….. I just can’t… I’m going out, don’t wait up for me”

And with that Sam ran out of the room leaving Dean standing there open mouthed.....

**********************************************************************

Dean poured himself another whisky, watching the amber liquid swirling around in the glass, trying to concentrate on that; anything to stop him from staring at the motel room and willing it to open and for Sam to walk back through it.

What the fuck had just happened? Sam had been as horny as him, he could feel how hard he was, so why tonight had he walked away? Well not so much ‘walked away’ as ‘ran as fast as his legs could take him’ What was so different now, what had changed?

Dean racked his brains trying to think about anything that might have upset Sam

What about the girl in the bar tonight, maybe? Well hell that was no different to any other night really. What about that guy in the diner last week? He didn’t usually pick up guys – Sam was the only guy that his dick went near – but Sam had become so damned clingy recently and he’d needed to let off steam in a way that was only satisfied by a hard male body. Except it hadn’t satisfied him, not in the least and he’d needed to go back to Sam to get the satisfaction he’d so craved.

That night was one of his favourite recent memories:

The sweat was pouring off both of them, the ceiling fan doing little to cool them as Dean slammed hard into Sam, time after time, keeping a punishing rhythm up. They were never gentle but this was almost feral; like Dean was searching for something and driving harder and harder to find whatever it was. And Sam was unusually vocal too ‘fuck Dean, yes don’t stop, please don’t ever stop. Come on Dean, show me, show me you don’t need any one else’

Oh holy fuck, that was it….. Sammy was jealous; the more he thought about it, the more it made sense; it certainly explained his behaviour tonight. But since when did Sammy get jealous of his meaningless one night stands? He and Sam were just fucking, not like they had a relationship, well not outside of the whole ‘being family’ thing anyway. Maybe Sam thought that they were something more but that was just stupid, right? He didn’t feel ‘that’ way about Sam, it wasn’t like their relationship was the last great romance, but there was something there, something undefinable, but there nevertheless. Sure he needed Sam and he craved him at times, well actually more often than not, but that didn’t really mean anything more than a carnal lust, did it?

Except that now he allowed himself to think about it maybe there was something more and Sam was obviously feeling it in a big way judging by his reaction earlier. He’d never really stopped to consider Sam in all of this, never thought about Sams feelings; if he was truthful he’d never really thought about his own feelings before now. But this much was becoming clear to him now; Sam was hurting and he was the person that was hurting him – he hated himself for that. How long had Sam been feeling this way? All along or was it something that had gradually grown over time? It all made perfect sense now – that dullness to Sammys eyes, that jaded look on his face the last few months, all the signs that Sam was unhappy; he’d thought that it was hunting that was doing this to him, the endless fight against evil forces but maybe it was their relationship. Maybe he was destroying Sam more than any of the demons had ever done.

All the signs were there: Sams snide comments, Sams reaction to the regularity of his one night stands, Sams almost desperate need to draw him into his bed when he got back from those meaningless encounters. And when was the last time that Sam had been with anyone else? Now he thought about it, it must have been at least a year, maybe longer. So Sam was being faithful to him, to their relationship and in return he was destroying him because he didn’t feel the same. Or if he really thought about it, did he? He certainly didn’t get the same satisfaction from the hurried encounters with strangers anymore and once he came all he could think about was getting back to Sam. He didn’t even know why he wasted his time with those strangers, they didn’t make him feel good anymore and Sam did. Sams were the only arms he wanted around him as he drifted off to sleep and Sams was the only face he wanted to see as he woke from his dreams, or more often his nightmares, every morning. Crap, he was more fucked than he thought…

But what was he going to do about it? He loved Sam but he wasn’t sure if he and Sam wanted the same thing at all. He couldn’t imagine a life without Sam by his side. What if Sammy was thinking of walking away from him? What the fuck would he do then? If only Sam would walk back through that door, then he would have the chance to tell him that he wanted to try and work something out, stop the one night stands, try and make a go of ‘them’; tell him that he didn’t want to be without him.

Dean picked up his cell phone, sent a text and poured himself another drink

*******************************************************************************************

Sam was standing in the parking lot, in the exact same place he’d been in for the past hour; ever since his grand gesture of walking out on Dean. And now he didn’t know where to go or what to do because the terrible truth was that all he wanted was for Dean to hold him and make everything seem right with his world. He wanted more from Dean but he couldn’t give up the little that he did have with him no matter how much it hurt; his whole body ached for Deans touch. He sighed and was about to head back to the room with his tail between his legs when his phone vibrated to alert him to a new text.

“Sammy, come back and talk to me. I’ve worked it out. I promise things will be different, I need you too”

Sams smile was blinding, he knew it wouldn’t be easy, there was a lot to sort out with Dean but it felt good that Dean wanted to try. He thought about making Dean wait but he just wanted his arms around him so he headed back to the room. As he reached the door his heart felt lighter and as he turned the key in the lock his world felt a much better place to be.

Walking through the door he couldn’t resist:

“Hi honey I’m home” and for the first time in a long time he felt that he was…….

The End

Comments

[flawlessglitch.livejournal.com]

I think your cut is broken :)

[mutedbyfear.livejournal.com]

Fixed it now :)

[(Anonymous)]

cut please!

[ranua.livejournal.com]

Nicely done dear. I think you hit the prompt right on the head.