[FIC] The Way I See You

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

Title:  The Way I See You
Author: life_goes_on9
Rating:  G (I think, PG to be safe)
Genre/Pairing:  Sam/Jess
Characters:  Sam, Dean, Jess (sort of)
Word Count:  809
Summary:  "He started to see her everywhere."
Spoilers:  Up to Season 8
Warnings:  None
Disclaimer:  I don't own Supernatural.
Author's Note:  This is my first Supernatural fic and my first time posting in a community on livejournal.  I hope you guys enjoy this and I did mess up terribly posting.  It's unbeta-ed, I'm sorry.

He started to see her everywhere.

Just flashes at first; her face in a crowded bar, a trail of blonde hair in a restaurant, the brief view of a loving smile and pouty lips in a gas station.

He doesn’t tell his brother.  Dean wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t see that seeing her isn’t a bad thing.  Seeing her doesn’t hurt Sam anymore, not like it used to hurt.  The sight of Jessica is wonderful, like a gift.  It’s a good gift, not a gift from Lucifer, not the usual torture.

As the weeks go by, Sam sees Jess more often and more clearly.  She’s just as beautiful as she was when he first met her.  Her eyes glitter, but they don’t burn out of her skull.  She’s wearing a dress, not a white nightgown, and it’s not covered in blood.  Fire doesn’t surround her and the smell of burning flesh is absent.  She’s a gift.  A gift.  Just a gift.

Months pass and he begins to see her in the Men of Letters Bunker, in the motels that the brothers still use, and in libraries.  Sometimes, she sits across from him in the library, but she’s always silent.  She helps him find the right passages, nodding when he runs across a book that is useful.  In the motel, she only appears when Dean is out.  She sits at the tables, on Dean’s beds and just smiles at him.  Sam is positive that she watches him sleep when Dean stays out all night, doing whatever it is that Dean does at night.  He thinks she might be an angel, borrowing the face of his beloved to make him feel comfortable.  Occasionally, he’s frightened.  What if it’s a trap?

He lets it go.  He can pretend, they both can pretend.

Half a year goes by before Dean notices that something isn’t right with his brother, again.  Well, that’s not quite true.  He noticed months ago, but he didn’t consider it a real problem.  There was fighting to be done, yelling, and hurt feelings to heal.  Sam is staring off into space again, but he’s not flinching anymore.  Instead, Sam’s eyes look glassy, he smiles, he sighs, and he’s content.  There aren’t any nightmares or seizures that follow the staring.  It’s hard for Dean to complain; his brother looks happy.

Dean finds it terrifying, not knowing what his brother’s seeing.  It’s disconcerting, to say the least, but how can he ask?  He’s just started to forgive Sam for not looking for him, for abandoning him in Purgatory.  Dean decides to leave it for now.  Maybe Sam will mention it.

Dean can’t ignore it anymore when Sam coughs up blood and tries to hide it behind sleeves and carefully crumpled tissues.  He’ll ask Sam tomorrow who he’s been thanking for the tissues.  He’ll ask right after they save Bobby.

Jess gets more solid every day.  Sam can feel her touches after the second trial.  Her hands brush the fever away when Dean isn’t hovering over him.  Her kisses take away the pain.  She still loves him, he knows this to be true.  He was tricked once, maybe twice, into thinking that she hated him.  Jess forgives him; it wasn’t his fault the world had plans for him.

The day Sam knocks his brother out to save Charlie from the djinn, Jessica sits in the car with him on the way to the crime scenes and to the djinn’s lair.  She has a voice by then, she whispers to him and her voice echoes around the car.  Be safe.  Save Dean.  Save Charlie.  You’re so strong.  Be safe.  Sam doesn’t see her again for days.  Maybe she used too much energy speaking; she just needs to rest.  Sam is exhausted and barely functional in the days that follow.

Jessica stays away for a long time after that.  Sam doesn’t even see her when he’s following Dr. Scowly, but he thinks she wouldn’t approve of her calling the man names.  She’s certainly not around when the brothers meet Metatron.

Dean never does get around to asking Sam who he’s seeing.

When Sam is in the church, curing Crowley, Jessica holds his hands, braces him when he staggers, and brushes the glass out of his hair.  As usual, she’s absent when Dean runs into the church to stop him, but he swears he can hear her crying when he says he doesn’t care about dying.  She gives him a sad smile and kisses after Dean rushes him out of the church.  Sam’s surprised, he can feel her petting his hair and stroking near his dimples as the brothers watch the angels fall.  This Jess and Dean have never been around at the same time, but she stays with Sam in the car as his lungs fail.

He can’t feel her after he wakes up in the car.

Comments

[kalliel]

I absolutely adore this. The idea of Jess appearing in slips and glances like that reminds me of her scene in 1x05, which remains one of my all-time favorite scenes in the entire show, and I love what you bring to that aesthetic in this fic. And I love the way Jess's relations with Sam through the fic shift and change--from glances to smiles and silent company to something perhaps more corporeal, more active and apparent. Someone to lead him on and keep him afloat and be there with him and for him when it seems that there was no one. That last scene as she holds his hand through the last Trial and brushes glass out of his hair is particularly captivating. And I think it's wonderful that through the entire fic she's never entirely explained, even as she gains in dimensions and rules (what it takes for her to stay, whether she's there when Dean is or not). That she is both a gift and reprieve here, as well as an uncanny presence Sam also sometimes fears, is the perfect mix. This is at once chilling and redeeming (if that's the word--comforting, but more than just that) and I love it to pieces. Really wonderful work.

And welcome to SPN fic fandom, as well as to ohsam. :) I really hope to see you around these parts again! <3

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

Oh, my goodness! You don't know how happy you just made me! That scene from 1x05 definitely stayed with me; it made me feel too much to forget it. I've always loved the idea of Jess watching over Sam in some way, whether it be real of Sam's imagination. You made me feel really proud of this fic. Thank you so much!

<3 <3

[kalliel]

I will take a visual callback to that scene ANY DAY, ANY TIME, Show! Just so you know!

I'm glad I could offer you some happiness, haha! And you should absolutely be proud of this fic. <33333 Nngh Jess. <3

[Rec] The Way I See You by <lj user="life_goes_on9">

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User kalliel referenced to your post from [Rec] The Way I See You by life_goes_on9 (http://kalliel.livejournal.com/358259.html) saying: [...] I'll save those recs for later. This one I just read elsewhere, and loved: Title: The Way I See you [...]

[borgmama1of5.livejournal.com]

Eerie!

Nice first fic!

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[fireheart13.livejournal.com]

Haunting!!! A very interesting read!

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you found it interesting!

[anactoria.livejournal.com]

This is lovely and unsettling. And ouch, that last line. ♥

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I didn't realize how unsettling it was until I read it again after posting. I felt disturbed.

[kazluvsbooks.livejournal.com]

Came here via kalliel And I loved this, it is lovely but sorta scary too.

Welcome to ohsam!!

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

Haha, I'm glad you liked it!!!!
Thanks, I think I'm going to like it here.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

What a gorgeous, tender yet sad fic!

I love how you don't explain Jess's presence, or how over time we see her gain strength almost becoming corporeal and vocal. She's just there to support Sam in whatever way she can, and I love the idea of that, as well as the echoes to 1.05.

The section with the trials is especially hard-hitting.

Thank you so much for sharing this, it's a great fic and I hope to see more from you in the future. :)

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

:) Glad you enjoyed it and thank you for such a wonderful comment!
I'm obsessed with Jess and Sam right now for some reason, so maybe I'll have something out soon!

[fufaraw]

Here by way of kalliel, thank goodness for her rec!

That scene in 1.05 has always stayed with me, too. How lovely of you to touch back to that, and also mention the times Lucifer took Jess' appearance with Sam. It's not surprising Sam's need for someone to bulwark him calls up Jess, nor that she has changed, as he has changed, in the intervening years.

This is a lovely, haunting, aching piece, and I'm glad you've decided to stick around and share your talent.

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that you liked it!! I tear up a little every time I think about 1.05. I think I need to go watch it now that everyone's mentioning it, haha.

Everyone's comments make me very happy that I did share this.

[ladygreytowers.livejournal.com]

This is just haunting, sad, and lovely all at the same time.Pretty darn good for a 1st timer. Welcome to the spn fandom hope to see more from you. Your entry to ohsam is spot on.

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Everyone has made me feel very welcome!

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

This is lovely; I hope we see more SPN fic from you!

[life-goes-on9.livejournal.com]

Thanks!